Cultivating Confidence-Nicole's Story

Everyone wants to be loved.
I wanted to be loved.
I searched for love from all the wrong people.
Some were "best friends".
Some were boyfriends.
One person I didn't find love from was myself.
For me love equaled confidence and self esteem.
Middle school and high school I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I didn't like being me. In middle school my "best friend" told me that pretty much everything about me was wrong. That validated what I was feeling. I also had a "best friend" tell me that a boy that I liked me and wanted to talk to me. Then when she saw that I was excited she laughed and told me she was just kidding and wanted to see how I reacted. Those were just a couple of the things that made my self esteem plummet in middle school.

High school came around and all I longed for was a relationship by a guy who didn't have to love me because I was family but because he wanted to love me. But I wasn't good enough. I was on Homecoming Court starting my sophmore year thru my senior year. I was Class President my sophmore to senior year and Student Body President. Even having titles like that I never got dates.

My first real boyfriend was at the end of my junior year. He was voted most handsome and very popular. It didn't last very long. He told me he loved me and then a couple days later he broke up with me. I was heart-broken. I asked why he told me he loved me if he didn't want to be with me and he said, "I knew that was what you wanted to hear". My second boyfriend told me he loved me. He cheated on me. I asked him why he told me he loved me. He said, "It was extreme infatuation" and took it back. I saw that I was not lovable and something was wrong with me. Another guy I liked but never dated came over one night and sat down on my bed and said, "I know you have always wanted to be with me and I like you, but I am afraid something better is going to come around." WOW. Awesome. At this point of time the Lord started to work on my heart. I told him I hadn't waited around for him and didn't need a guy like that.

After all of my bad luck with guys I decided I just wanted to be friends with guys and meet new people. I met a guy and we hung out. Once he found out I was still a virgin the calls stopped. I called him and asked him why he didn't call anymore. He told me that he couldn't be friends because of my virginity. This was the time I began to change and started listening to what the Lord was trying to get through to me. I didn't need a guy for me to feel loved, beautiful, important, or successful. I didn't have to give a part of me away to be loved. I was loved by my family, friends, and the Lord. I finally saw myself as beautiful but not because someone else thought I was but because I finally got a glimpse of how God saw me.

I am loved. The Lord has blessed me with an amazing husband that is more then what I could have dreamed of. He loves me for me. I look back now and the guys who I dated weren't the real thing, they were stepping stones. I praise the Lord for allowing me to finally find love in myself so I could allow someone so great as my husband to love me. I know what true love is.--the love of our Lord and Savior, the love of my husband, kids, and family. I pray that I can teach my daughter to not find her confidence and love in people, boys or things, but that she will look to the Lord, who will show her what true love is.